The Private Male

27th May 2012

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Love

I have heard and read a lot of people ask: “How do you know when you fall in love?” The usual answer is, “You just will.” 

This is true, but the “you just will” statement does not do the moment you come into knowing justice. It is quite possibly the most beautiful moment, among others, you will experience. When you feel the connection you will immediately know that it’s not just someone it’s the one. 

27th May 2012

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Drama: My Comfort Zone?

I have recently been advised that when my life is dramatic (in the sense that there is strain, not drama in the sense that people are back stabbing and being superficial) I am comfortable. Meaning, in a strained and high-stressed state I find myself being most happy. Where did this come from? Childhood, of course! A more important question would be: Is my comfort zone a healthy place to live in? 

27th May 2012

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The Facade

I have been told that the moment I walk into a party or bar that I exude confidence and positivity. I have also been told that I smile constantly, and it would seem I have high self esteem from the attributes I reflect in public. 

Close the door to my apartment and I become a much different person, I become myself. Yes, I can be outgoing and confident when I need to be. However, the constant appeal to the public is just a shade of all my perfections and imperfections. I am not the pretty face you see at the party, no, I am much much more. I am undeniably discontent with my life. So, you see, I feel that I have an obligation to appear normal, to put on a nice show of who I aught to be and how I aught to act. 

So of course getting to know me can be quite a shocker. What’s more is that I use my facade to my advantage. I am perceived as innocent and gentle, which is the perfect mechanism to outwit someone when you need to. I am always underestimated and never complete determined, a strategy that has worked thus far in my life. I am only completely open to my significant other, only he knows who I am at heart, only he shares my burdens. 

Why the facade? Well for one it is completely natural to be different in public than when you are by yourself. But more importantly the facade is my defense mechanism telling everyone that “I am OK, I am normal.” 

But this boy is tired of putting on a performance. This boy is going to actually reignite his former self: The man that does not act confident or happy but FEELS confident and happy. 

22nd May 2012

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Moving On

I can feel again, the embers of my heart are reignited and my innocence feels akin once more. I felt so numb a few weeks ago, not even fire could I feel. I went through so much pain that I began to build walls between my self and the negative force that was my relationship. Those walls are crashing down now, and fast. I have found a man who is the image I could see myself with in many years to come. He has it all and even in his flaws are there perfections. He’s beautiful, really. I have seduced the benign and managed the malignant, yet much less severe a definition. Moreso an active form, and because I am beginning to feel and fall once more, I am forever thankful for the courage it took to end the last relationship. 

There were moments when I thought I would never escape, never breath, and forever suffer the indigent irresolution of an emotionally fused relationship. But like so many other moments in my life I knee jerked and ended it swiftly. 

You know, I came out to both my parents when I was walking to the gym on my college campus. I thought, Jesus, I am so tired of lying to my parents, so tired of not being myself. So I took my phone out of my pants, took a very deep breath, and called my mom. About twenty minutes later I was shed of the weight I carried my whole life. I felt renewed, the experience enabled me to find my first male love. After 2 years of love, lust, and the best time of my life, I had to end it because of what the relationship became, who we became. 

Almost 3 months after I can, with confidence, say that I have moved past that relationship. I learned so much from it that I feel renewed once more. I feel I am ready for my next love.

22nd May 2012

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Epistemological Love - The Moment We Long For

There is this moment in which concatenation forever manifests in the individual taking hold in the most wildest and innocent form. And in this moment, time becomes an ambiance of salacious fragments, yet remains in the corridor waiting to continue. Amongst the downpour of emotions and sensory elements are the sweet smells of innocence, lust, and wild imagination. Sight becomes illusory, and the music in the background is entirely orchestrated for the foundation of the palpable improbability, the possible impossibility. Touch becomes the tangible faith that completes the surreal and permeates the memory for years to come. As so it begins in the most basic form, in the simplest complex moment that is to exist between two people. It begins because it must, there is no other way for enthalpy to exist, to exit or react. Instead, the energy blooms in the heart of the two souls: making them whole, making them one. The incandescence singularizes the perfect moment and makes the moment seem like it exists on its own without the binding chronology of all the other, lesser pieces of time. So let exist the moments that take your breath away, that help you remember that living is worth just one of these moments alone. Let your self become the essence of love, procreate it in the arms of trust, conceive it in the light of bittersweet struggle, find it in the least likely eyes, and never resent it. For if you let love drown in the pool of jealousy or irrationality you will lose it in the pool of remorse and regret.

Remember the moments that alter course of action, for they are rare and each cosmically different. The epistemological theory of what you experience will seed the eternal concatenation that becomes the source of true self-knowledge. Nosce te ipsum.